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| But truth is, I need more. Or do I really need more because needing is not the same as wanting. Needing is when your dying thirst when wanting is you just want small snack but you are still full from the first meal you ate. But AGAIN truth is, I really don't know what to do with my life right now.
There isn't much to do or say anymore. Or maybe I am just being a totally negative person right now ad blocking everything that is great out of my wonderful path to happiness. But honest to God, I really don't know which path to take or what to do, oh or am I mistakenly following the right path?
You know, I have never been so unsure of myself until right now. Because I don't know whether or not to make that decision to what I am going to make right now, to what I cannot speak of or I am going to keep thinking about it and that will not help me get over it. Great, now I'm thinking about it.
I know forgetting about it is an option but it is not always the best option but there is no harm in trying.
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| But I think I might just have to.
I have gained a lack of sleep, I have gained a lazy ass that I sit on this summer.
Now that I am going back to school I wish to have my sleep and ass back soon.
Haha,
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| Since I actually wrote a decent blog about my days and since it is summer and all. I, Nikole, have nothing to do right now than this. I stopped to wonder if I should A) Read my driver's shit education course. B) Rip up my unused shirts and turn it into something I would wear.
Speaking of which, my mom is saying using the computer at this hour is strange. Well, using the computer at all is strange. Geez.
Back to my blog, C) Sleep because I like sleeping. D) Doing this. Obviously I choose this. Annoying as it must sound. I blog when I'm bored. And plus I have come to the conclusion to care less of what people think of me. Why now you must ask? It's because I have things like that to think about now that I am in summer and all. And plus, people have been getting to my head I just wanna yell in there face :D Not to be rude and all but honest. But seriously why should I care what people think of me, when it's not to judge people of what they have but what they are. I mean honest we know we stick to people who have the same interests and likings as us but right when we see someone with someone we right away think of something to say and it's usually not wow she's really nice. Ha.
I'm so tired of seeing the same people with the same type of people but then again it is only society and that's how we play. Well I know I do. I hang out with same type of people, which I don't even know what type they are? But whatever. I'm not being condescending. But honest to gosh I wanna move on. I'm tired of being afraid to be me in front of a whole crowd of people. Which in fact, I hate freaking crowds. I can't stand them, but I guess it's because of my first experience being so afraid to be who I am or whatever but that in all I want to be who I am. I'm tired of seeing people who want to be known. Why can't people be satisfied with who they have? Why do people have to go around, are they not satisfied? Ahh.
Bugs me.
Oh yeah and I wanted to blog about my day, Wow was I wrong.
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| My summer's almost ending, it's official.
It officially has hit me.
Talk about late notice, I have two weeks left which started from yesterday. Not much to do anymore. I don't really care in fact but it kind of makes me happy not sad happy. Not that summer is ending but that I have something to do every day. I did not fulfill my plans for this summer but it's okay because I've gained so much out of it.
The things I didn't fulfill
1. Getting my damn permit
2. Getting a job
3. Getting a clean, organized room
4. Getting my life back
First of all driving, driving really isn't my thing. Honest to God, it scares me to death. One accident was enough for me to see that driving can seriously a big responsibility. I'm totally up for the challenge, it's just there was just too much going on this summer at my house. Getting the kitchen and bathroom redone and my Lola's death, R.I.P<3 Family wise not a great step to take.
Second, getting a job. I have BIG feeling that if I was to get a job right now. I'd probably not be home at all. Ahaha not saying that I'd be hanging out with friends and stuff but working. I get really, let's say, attached to whatever I am sought to doing. But it's okay. I decided not to get a job because I'm going to have to continue that during the school year. And that is going to be hard because I'm going to a junior and this has got to the most important year for me. Plus I want to get into UCLA. Wow, I know right? So I'm going to be really preoccupied with being a junior, being the treasurer of the junior class board, honors fucking chemistry which has to be number one on my list of classes where I have to kick ass and handling all that together with hanging out with family and friends too. Plus I got confirmations on wednesdays. Man, am I excited for next year.
Third, my room. Oh my lovely room. Man, it makes such a difference to have a colored room. How I dreaded my white room with posters on the wall. I have painted my room changed shelves, arraigned my clothes. This all started in June and when you see it, it's like, wow finished? Nope not at all. I still have things to buy from the container store. Still have to hang up picture frames. Still have to arrange my shoes. Still have to fix my drawers. Still have to buy more hangers. Still have to clean out a shit load of books that are not needed. Ugh.
Fourth, getting my life back. I am kind of blanking out on this one and still thinking about why I put this on my list of things I did not fulfill of Summer of '08. But now I find no reason to put it on the list because my eyes have opened ever since June, since I have gotten out of school. And to my surprise, it is kind of shocking. Because a lot has seriously happened. A lot. It's so different going into a kitchen that was once a fantasy.
Using only one bathroom for three months that was not your own. And seeing a new one appear like my friends say a hotel bathroom! Seeing a life taken... it was her time kind of life taken. Being able to see conflicts happen between friends and not knowing which side to take. Being able to hang out one on one and not with 8 other people trying to talk over each other. Just staying at home, relaxing is key. Seeing everyone grow up, kind of scary but so happy to see we are not kids anymore. Drifting apart from a friend who used to come over every weekend, well almost every weekend. Not being able to spend time with my best friend because she is too darn far from home. Yet I still sneak around to see him kind of thing. Buying a season pass and only using it three times this summer. Finding a new love in flea markets. Realizing that I am so over him. See the behind the scenes disputes between family and just wanting to run away from it all. Seeing a new person in someone I thought I'd never be able to talk to. Learning that trust is key in any relationship. Keeping secrets amongst three people because I can't bound to let her know how I feel. Spending hours in Ikea than any other store this summer. Gaining an old friend back whom I thought was lost forever. Since the first time it has opened, taking the subway. Realizing that true friendships are always better than acquantiances. And that I don't need a lot friends I just need a few I could talk to. I can't even back up my own damn car. Meeting new family members. Getting a new dog. Lying to one of the most important people in my life. Having lunch one and one is just nice. Learning that things are better left unsaid. Using all my minutes on a phone call because she was stuck in airplane for hours kind of a thing. Learning that summer is what you make it.
No regrets
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| I guess I've already won that.
I know I have nothing to be ashamed of. But there's just one thing on my mind.
You know it's never easy to lose someone. It's never easy to say everything is really okay when people ask how are you when honest to God you have never felt this low in so long or ever. But nothing's ever easy right? You know when you lose someone, and I mean really lose someone, as in they had to go some time and not just across the world but up above. It's never easy to admit to yourself. And you find some mistake, some regret, that you made and just wanna take it back. Wanting everything in the world to have that moment back. Wishing that you could have just something more. I could have said a little more, I could have just at least spoke a few words but I didn't.
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